Visitors since 20 January 2010

Monday, 17 May 2010

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

This has turned into a feeling sorry for myself blog and I don’t like that, but having written it I feel it is more honest to post it than not post it.

Something I notice about myself is that I make a huge effort to be cheerful, funny, out-going and “well” when I’m with other people – I suppose it’s natural to put on a “Brave Face” but it does take a huge effort at the time when I’m doing it and it gives people the wrong idea of what I feel like inside.

It’s the general lack of energy I blame for not keeping this blog far more up to date – at least that’s my excuse... It is true though that the feeling of tiredness and fatigue is will sapping. Yesterday morning some good friends rang and asked us over for a coffee – my initial reaction was to put them off – I was sitting on the settee and feeling lifeless but Gavin so obviously wanted to go that I changed my mind and I am really pleased that I did as I had a really enjoyable time. But I do this a lot – whereas I used to do things on the spur of the moment now I have to build up to them.... and I think I hate being in that position – then there is a general tiredness that sends me off to bed after lunch and almost before the BBC News has finished in the evening – I really want to be a grown-up again and to stay up until eleven o’clock at night.

As for eating – it’s an effort to eat anything at all and the thought of most things seem to make me nauseous .......... – but I am just not hungry.

This is a very short update – and I know that I have many things to be grateful for, not least being my partner Gavin and my friends and family who give me so much support but it is difficult to “rage against the dying of the light” when one feels tired, nauseous and wants to weep.


Carolina said...

You have every right to be angry and to cry I think. Having a blog must be a good thing. Space to tell us how you really feel. We don't mind ;-)

Chairman Bill said...

If you need to feel good, do a spot of giving. I find it really cheers me up if I'm down - it makes me feel good about myself and that I've nost wasted my life entirely.

Lovely's Blot said...

Sorry you're feeling down. I think that when you are dying it is the one time in your life when you have every right to focus on you. After all we all die alone. Other people can be with us just before but at the final moment it is just you. Dealing with that and preparing for that takes all your energy and there may not be much left for other people, but they will understand. There you are, that's my sermon for what it's worth. I am quite happy if you think it's utter b*llocks!

The Irascible Fairy said...

Carolina - thank you for your words - you are of course correct - I started this blog so that I could vent my anger but now I find the blog allows me to say things that I cannot say, or do not want to say, directly to people.

Richard xxx

The Irascible Fairy said...

Miss Lovely - I think that what you wrote is very far from "bollocks" - at the end we are alone but tell we get there it is the support of family and friends that helps (and that includes people who you only know from what they writ and a pseudonym) - the problem is that I find I start doing an act where I'm really well and feel fine because I don't want to upset them......... Which I have no need to do but I still do it.

Thank you Richard x x x

The Irascible Fairy said...

Chairman - I'm going to take your advice - Gavin and I have empted the change jar and he's going to drive me slowly round one of the Norwich Council Estates whilst I throw the change out of the car window at the feet of the grateful denizens!

I let you know how I feel afterwards but I'm sure it will work - I feel all warm inside just thinking about it!

Richard x x x

Carolina said...

LOL about your plan to make yourself feel better
Hugs and good luck with that ;-)

Carolina said...

Just wanted to know how you are...

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