Visitors since 20 January 2010

Monday, 17 May 2010

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

This has turned into a feeling sorry for myself blog and I don’t like that, but having written it I feel it is more honest to post it than not post it.

Something I notice about myself is that I make a huge effort to be cheerful, funny, out-going and “well” when I’m with other people – I suppose it’s natural to put on a “Brave Face” but it does take a huge effort at the time when I’m doing it and it gives people the wrong idea of what I feel like inside.

It’s the general lack of energy I blame for not keeping this blog far more up to date – at least that’s my excuse... It is true though that the feeling of tiredness and fatigue is will sapping. Yesterday morning some good friends rang and asked us over for a coffee – my initial reaction was to put them off – I was sitting on the settee and feeling lifeless but Gavin so obviously wanted to go that I changed my mind and I am really pleased that I did as I had a really enjoyable time. But I do this a lot – whereas I used to do things on the spur of the moment now I have to build up to them.... and I think I hate being in that position – then there is a general tiredness that sends me off to bed after lunch and almost before the BBC News has finished in the evening – I really want to be a grown-up again and to stay up until eleven o’clock at night.

As for eating – it’s an effort to eat anything at all and the thought of most things seem to make me nauseous .......... – but I am just not hungry.

This is a very short update – and I know that I have many things to be grateful for, not least being my partner Gavin and my friends and family who give me so much support but it is difficult to “rage against the dying of the light” when one feels tired, nauseous and wants to weep.