Feelings of Betrayal and Humiliation and Good Fortune

We still have not been contacted by my new Macmillan Palliative Care Nurse – the replacement for “G” who we really, really didn’t get on with. We have also heard that “G” is no longer working in the City. I cannot pretend that I am not pleased about that – although when I was asked if I wanted to take my complaint about/with her any further I did answer No. All I wanted was for her not to be involved with me or Gavin in any way. But there is a down side – and I found my reaction quite surprising.

I asked about Macmillan Nurse “D” – now you will remember that “D” was a very close friend of mine and Gavin’s who gave us a great deal of support, as the only one of our friends and family who knew about Cancer and Chemotherapy. Our conversations with him were of immense value both practically and, more importantly, personally. Then about 30 months ago he stopped communicating with us in any way and with no explanation. Anyway, at the same time that I heard that “G” was no longer in the City I heard that “D” had been at a meeting and that “He knew all about my treatment” My immediate reaction was one of feelings of betrayal - I really, really don’t want “D” knowing all details of my treatment and – in particular – both Gavin and I discuss very personal things with Dr “RB” and Dr. “K” and I suspect in the future we’ll be discussing other personal issues with our new Macmillan Nurse – I really, really don’t want "D" to be a party to those. But I guess that I have to be “Grown-Up” and accept that the Macmillan Nurses are a team and it’s – as far as I can tell – “One for all and all for one”.

I don’t want to have to deal with these people in the closing stages of my life, and I don’t want to be a “Grown-Up” any more – I want to be like Violet Elizabeth Bott and lie on the floor and "I'll squeam and squeam 'till I'm thick” – But I can’t, I have to be “Grown-Up”, I have to smile nicely and accept that “D” has only my very best interests at heart, even if I don’t want him knowing “all about my treatment” and accept as well that I am too small to stand in the way of the avalanche that is the system.

To happier things – we saw Dr “RB” today and nothing has changed with my treatment. Although both Gavin and I think that the coughing may be worse it is no-where near as debilitating as it was before "Oxynorm". It is always a pleasure to see Dr "RB". We have decided that I’ll have another chest X-Ray sometime around the beginning of March –although I guess we know what it will say – growths increased in size! Dr "RB" assures us also that "D" only knows the physical details of my treatment - he is not privy to the more personal conversations. I must say when I see Dr “RB” or Dr. "K" I, and I guess Gavin always feel part of the decision making – We am fortunate!